Sorry

I wrote this back in August... I've spent so many long years trying to decide how I feel, trying to voice it, trying to put it to words... so many years failing at every attempt... that when this poem even started shying in the direction that I feel, I kept it. It's wrong, again. But it's closer than almost anything I have written to how I feel. I don't know if there are even words for how I feel. I'm generally referring to my outlook on love and such things as that, as adolescent and trivial as it sounds. I guess it seems to be the center of most of my pain, so I try and figure it out, through suckish poems most times. Maybe I failed again, but writing them drains me, so even if I failed at voicing how I feel, for a few brief minutes, an hour or so, I'm free of the burden I'm sure everyone has felt. I'm not everyone else, so I don't know for sure, but mine just happens to feel heavier than those of most people.
So here it is. Written August 1, 2009, "Sorry."
ARGH! ARE YOU KIDDING? NO COPY AND PASTE??
Grr.
Well... I guess it's now.

"Sorry"

It's 2 AM, I'm not in bed yet.
I can't sleep.
I'm sitting at my computer desk
Playing through a few simple bars on my guitar
Nothing sounds quite right to me.
It's been years, I know...
Still I have yet to tell you what you mean to me.
I have notebooks filled with poems and letters and songs,
Sometimes pictures I try to draw
All just trying to make you see what I feel.
All those pages you'll never see
They frustrate me.
I can't make my words sound right.
I don't want to say I love you.
Those words are inadequate, just like I am.
I want to show you instead,
but I have no idea where to start.
Nothing I say or do sounds right to my own ears...
Just being near you drives me insane.
I can't think
I can't speak
Every time I open my mouth, something stupid comes out.
I don't want to embarrass you...
Some girl's affections you don't want.
So I don't want to say I love you
Because I'm inadequate, just like those words.
It hurts to keep it all inside, silence my feelings,
But it's all the choice I have.
You shouldn't have to deal with this.
I can't even talk to you.
I lose my mind if I'm too close to you.
Maybe I'd be better off somewhere else
But I just can't make myself go away.
Maybe I just enjoy hurting.
Maybe I'm crazy and somehow think I still have a chance.
I don't want to say I love you
Because you'll never want to hear it from me.
They'll never be the right words
Because you'll never want to hear me say them.
So should I lie to you and say I don't?
Every time I open my mouth, something stupid comes out.
Maybe I should just stay away.
Don't say a word--
Every word I speak will be a word too much.
I try my best to stay away
But I guess I just can't control myself.
So I don't want to say I love you
But for now it's all I can do.
I love you...
You may not ever want to hear it,
But it's all I've got for now.
It's stupid, cold, overused
But I guesss it's all I can say to make you understand.
Maybe since they're someone else's words
They won't sound so stupid coming from me.
I hope you understand.
I don't expect you to do anything different or change because of this.
I just couldn't keep so quiet all the time.
This is for me, not for you.
I know you're happy now without me.
But I guess I just can't pretend I am all the time.
I doubt you'll ever see this
And even if you do
I doubt it would occur to you that
You're the one I'm trying to talk to with this...
But please stay happy.
It's bad enough with just one of us miserable.
You don't need to join me here.
I don't want to say I love you
But sometimes I have to.
Even if nobody hears me
And you wouldn't care if you did.

(end)

I posted it on Facebook the minute I was finished with it, thinking it was good. Then I left for an hour and in the hour I was gone, I had changed my mind about thinking it was good. Usually I step away from my writing once I get the first words out on the page and edit, but I didn't do that for this. So I wanted to take it down before he read it.
But he had already read it. And figured out it was about him.
And messaged me about it.
So I gave up, messaged him back, and kept it in its raw form on Facebook. I don't think I ever deleted it off there. He said it helped him understand more, and he's known I like him for years now. I guess I kept it up so in case he ever wants to get inside my head again...
I don't know what he'd want to be there for, though. That was me in a very sorry state of being.
I don't really keep it a secret who he is. I'm too old for that. Somehow, though, it seems to be a secret. Nobody knows, somehow. Every time I say anything about him, people wonder who he is. And every time I tell them, it's new.
Oh well. Even his girlfriend knows I like him now, so nothing worse can happen.
And I could like much, much worse people.
I don't know why I continue to think about him. Especially when it hurts to.
But I can't help myself, I guess.
People wouldn't guess it, but I'm painfully shy. The only people I talk to ever are people I've been friends with for a long time or have motives for talking to. I'm not always so quiet around them, but around everyone else I might as well be a church mouse.
So it's really hard to keep things between me and him at friendship. Especially since it's always awkward with the unrequited love thing in there.
I don't know why I'm still talking, other than the fact that it's 11:06 at night and I don't want to leave my mind to its own devices. Writing helps me steer my thoughts to safer grounds. But I also don't want to make this take an hour to read.
Maybe I'll go read a book.
I think I'll do that.
I know it's not a current poem, but it had a good reaction when I posted it, minus the whole him-figuring-out-that-I-wrote-it-about-him thing. So maybe you weren't completely bored and/or disgusted with it.
Good night. :)